12 posts tagged “food”
Yesterday was one of my worst days in recent times.
I had an appointment with the Doctor, then an hour later I had an appointment with the Nutritionist. Then in 2 hours, I had time with the trainer.
I had a complete meltdown in the Doctors office. I sort of opened up a can of worms, then tried to shut it, which of course was not going to happen. So I got to be really upset about that can of worms. Boy when you open something up, it's just open until its resolved, so it's remaining as a yukky thing to deal with.
Then I went on to the Nutritionist, and found my intake was still low. Seems a snack is not just a snack, its a carb (fruit/veggie/grain) and a protien (Peanut butter/egg/meat) So that made things low. I know I was in her office, but I was so exhausted from the Doctor I have no idea what we talked about.
Then I went to the trainer. I ran one mile on the treadmill, and was tired. training session was difficult. She knew I was upset, and she had this intern with her. I was very very annoyed at having a stranger observe my session, so i just essentially ignored her and just talked to the trainer about the session and didn't worry about the intern who I think heard more than she expected. I was exhausted. Trainer was good. She is a funny person. She doesn't seem to be too "deep" of a person, but then she has this quiet way of letting me know she gets the full picture of the situation.
my friend that I can talk to about this still doesn't get it. But she is learning to avoid discussion of eating or training, and just to be friendly.
So, I did tell Dr G. that I wanted to run the New Mexico Half and the Full in November. He said I might have to do less swimming, but left it open as long as the Nutritionist was aware of it. So once I got my head on straight I emailed her and got this response:
thanks for the update. Nutritionally you are ok to run as long as you feel consistent in the food plans we have set up..
And yes you are right, the plan is carb/pro before run, 3 meals, 1 carb/pro as a snack, and honoring any hunger in between...
Keep me posted and feel free to contact me with any more questions..
Sooo, the good news is that I CAN train.
Of course, I feel so lousy I am not training that well, but possibly If I can figure out how to conquer the can of worms I have opened, I might be training better. I am having some left shin pain, point tenderness, which is reminiscent of a stress fracture. Due to the disordered eating, my bones aren't extremely strong, so We'll see how this all pans out.
I'm extremely tempted to simply quit. I keep telling myself that it's early in this game, so I'll give it another week or two and see how things go.....
Hi Everyone!
I've actually done a lot of blogging using the privacy content so I think no one can see it.
I am indeed still here. Things have been really difficult for the past few days. I've been eating on my Food template which is 1500 calories or so a day. I can barely eat all the food, and sometimes I really can not eat it all. It's a little stressful. I've finally realized that if I plan really far ahead, then it is less stressful. Today I am making a huger effort to consume on the template.
The Doctor has this nutty idea that I should do only 30 min of exercise 4 times a week. Bah! I get that what I am doing is a tad bit excessive, but to run as long as I want to run, I am going to have to train longer. We are going head to head on this I can tell, not right yet, but probably soon.
This is difficult because my one friend who knows thinks that this is all nutty. She keeps trying to diagnose my problems etc, but she doesn't have the background to do it. It would be nicer if she would just support me instead...
Ah well. Not everything is nice.
So today I did go and meet the Nutritionist. It was definitely enlightening and quite stressful.
Anyway, since I have now figured out this little part of Winter Park, finding the place was a snap.
I got a little freaked out when I girl left that office who was obviously, disgustingly anorexic. It was an interesting thing to see her stroll up and down the street, she was wearing clothing that was somewhat streetwalker-y as well...I had to agree that whatever weight she was at was simply unattractive. I'll admit it made me feel better, at least I do not look like her, nor do I aspire to look like that. She has a hard life ahead of her.
Mrs. B. was very warm and friendly. She definitely knows her stuff, and despite using her trite-isms, I realized it is going to be impossible to get anything past her. I'm usually pretty good at sort of brushing by stuff, but not her apparently. In some ways the entire visit was a bit comical. I'd come up with all sort and matter of statements, and I realized she had indeed her variations on this theme from many many others and she really wasn't fooled by any of them. Since she wasn't fooled, I also could not be fooled either.So that was definitely different, usually i am pretty good at talking my way out of things.
The big trauma/drama came when she told me I am simply not eating enough the majority of the time. Apparently I was miscounting calories. So I have a list of things that must be consumed at each meal. People, it's like a ton of food. I am trying it but I am pretty skeptical because it's like a ton of food.
So, we'll have to see how things go.
As far as the day. That Hill took the stuffing out of me. I am so so tired.
Teulu is so calm I am worried he has some sort of worms. So, just hemmorhaging cash, will call vet.
So I had a difficult day yesterday.
I got lost due to some squirrley directions given to me by the Nutritionist. I was apparently right by the office, but it was near impossible to find it. Because she does not employ a receptionist or anyone to answer the phone, it was about 20 mins into my appointment time that she called me back. We rescheduled. I was so so disappointed and annoyed. I was very nervous about going, so to have this happen was very frustrating. And then her schedule is such that I would have to wait until next Friday.
She rather annoyed me because she seems to have a very simplistic approach and continues to use her catch phrase "Freedom with Food"...which I just think is wierd.
Luckily she also gave me the name of someone else to call. I called him, left a message and after 5 pm decided he would probably call me back on Monday. I was dreading that because I am working on Monday. While I can answer the phone, its difficult to have a personal conversation that is not overheard. I don't really want anyone to know about the problems with eating that I'm having...it's a sure fire way to get a lot of wierd and unsolicited advice. Yes, everyone eats so everyone has an opinion, but its just usually an opinion stated to make them feel better about their own eating habits, weight, size.
Anyway. Wierdly the other person called me back last night at about 8 pm. He was actually very very nice, did not use any cute catch phrases and seems a bit more laid back, not casual, but very to the point. He did not have any appointments until the 17th of the month. I suppose I sounded a bit distressed, after a few minutes he asked if I could get up early, I laughed...I get up every day at 4 am....So. He made me 2 appointments for Tuesday and Wednesday at 7 am to complete a long evaluation of this eating mess. I'm rather shocked that anyone would rearrange their schedule just for me, so already i like him and trust him somewhat. Hopefully he can help.
Unfortunately, my foot is actuing wierd and tight. I took yesterday off and may take off another day today...
I will have to ask the trainer what she thinks. I can run on it, but it feels so strange. I am doing well to look at the long term, and not the shorter term. I got the stress fracture by training too hard, so I am laying off the foot. Lesson learned.
Not that much.
Running is improving slowly. I tend to try to downplay anything except big improvement, but I am seeing a slight difference. I'm managing hills better, and distance. I need to work on some speed, and also controlling speed again, as I seem to be just all over the place when I actually look at my pace. I'm enjoying it a little more as well.
Work is interesting. I've been asked to extend my contract and I have agreed to do so. I had been asked a few weeks ago, but then didn't hear anything more about it. Then yesterday I literally lost my temper with a Physician who was being un-cooperative. One of the biggest parts of my job is to advocate for the patients. In this case I was helping another nurse's patient (Other nurse was getting a new patient settled). And all the doctor could do was harass me about this and that and the other thing. I do not know why, but he really pushed my buttons. Luckily the Charge Nurse was there, and seperated us. Later the Charge said he didn't believe I could get that angry. He said I actually scared him a little. But, in the end, the Doc was spoken to, and straightened out. And it was acknowledged that while I can be apparently nasty, at least its over as soon as its over. I don't stew over workplace stuff. Its just stress.
Oddly, after the big blow up the Manager came by to tell me she still wanted me to extend. Essentially she let it slip that she needed one traveler and she preferred me to the other one thats there. I confessed to losing my temper with the Doc and she responded "Good for you...he probably deserved it" So, i guess for the moment I am Golden.
Teulu does not love the heat. He has somehow developed a nice hot spot on his hip. :( I'm going today to get him a new Elizabethan Collar to help it heal. And some oatmeal soothing bath, which I hope will make him feel better. He is still cheerful and tail wagging, but...I hate the hot spot. I always feel as if I am not entertaining him enough.
My New Camera has Shipped!!!!! I am very very excited. When it arrives, I will be posting tons of Florida Photos.
I decided to run the New Mexico Half. Even though its at altitude. I miss my friend, and maybe I'll get a chance to say Hi to her too. The course is pretty flat, so I wonder what that means with all the hills I am ploughing through here in Clermont.
Apparently, I am not eating normally, though I could have sworn I eat like most other people. I'm a little freaked out about this...which is a good indication of a problem. Will see this Nutritionist on Friday and see what she has to say. Food is fuel, but...sometimes its a bit hard to get enough fuel...and other times I have more fuel than I need...I hope this gets sorted out, but I am sort of afraid that I'm going to have to "be different" and I am not sure I'm ready for that.
Not (Yet) A Runner's post recently about people making jokes about how to avoid calories in food (Eating off of others plates, standing up etc etc), had me thinking today about food in general.
I have a complete body dysmorphic disorder. While I don't see a therapist or anthing, I meet all the criteria. I am a very normal sized woman, maybe even a bit on the smaller side, but yet, I see myself as enormous beyond belief. I often have to return clothing because I buy it a few sizes too big. I have accepted this year that I do indeed fit an XS shirt, and that this is a fine thing, I should not ask for a large for the running races because I can't wear it in public, except as a dress.
I'm sure this has something to do with Childhood and also alot to do with the fact that for a few years there, I was on the chubby side of things. But whatever the reason, I have it. So...I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about food, my appearance and the relationship between the two.
This year is the first year I've really been able to eat enough food, and eat healthy foods...mostly thanks to my trainer (Last day with him today, but more on him later). I feel strong. I feel good. I look good. It's great.
I never understand how people will try to desperately either undermine me, or seek to control me in relation to food.
One set of people are always goading me to eat cookies, cupcakes, french fries. They are the set that are always "On a diet" but "Just can not resist that piece of chocolate, it was calling me"! It's true, occasionally, chocolate can have a powerful hypnotic effect on people, but not every day. When I hear them say this I steadfastly think this: "I just couldn't help myself....I couldn't eat that cupcake because having a nice strong body feels so good" Most of the time it works out well. The trick is to never ever say this in public, as it is highly offensive to the goading crowd!!!
The second set of people are what I consider the "diet police" They are generally new to being on a diet themselves and want proof that it works (voila, moi...proof that it works.). They panic for me when they see me decide to eat a piece of birthday cake, or a cookie. They act aghast and tell me seriously, "OMG you are going to gain all your weight back.." It makes it difficult to actually enjoy the indulgence, so I usually just sort of sulk off to a corner, or desperately try ot explain that one slice of cake can not undermine an entire diet.
This summer I want to lose about 15 pounds, not so much for appearances, but actually so I can get faster. I imagine havybeaks might be able to do some sort of calculation of for each pound lsot, how much faster Katie could run....
I can't do the calculation, but I know that dumping this weight will indeed improve my times, even if I do no better training than what I am doing now...
So we'll see. I'm moving in a few weeks. I wonder if I will be working with enablers, or restrictors?
I decided today that my hand is not the most exciting topic, though it does occupy my mind say 85% of the time! So... I thought I'd share a bit about my life prior to this one...
Between 2004-2006, I volunteered for MSF. Prior to that, I had worked with a variety of other, lesser known ngo's.
South Sudan and Liberia were my two assignments with MSF. Both were difficult for me, and while I will go back to Africa I probably will not go with them, or for as long as I did...
Prior to going to Sudan, I wasn't an Africa virgin. I'd done work in Eritrea and also the Delta in Nigera. I was arrested in Eritrea for an unknown reason...and then released again after some discussion with the surgeon I worked with...and Nigeria, especially the Delta region really isn't for Sissies either. But none of that prepared me for South Sudan. No electricity, people living in mud huts for real, no running water, living in a tent, essentially outside for 6 months was definitely different.....
South Sudan is more likethe Africa that most Americans imagine. While the only really wild animals I saw were interesting birds, lotsa snakes, and an errant hedgehog, it really was an entirely different world.
To get to my assignment I got to fly from Lokichoggio
To Akuem, South Sudan in this contraption:
Which for me was not so nice or fun. The plane, however would become something I totally looked forward to because it grought the mail, the food, our emails and the beer. The plane came every two weeks. So occasionally we would run out of stuff and get quite cranky. My favorites were pringles and soda... sooooo healthy yeah?
My job was to manage the Feeding Center of TFC s it was known. The TFC was about a kilometre away from the rest of the hospital. Of course there were bikes availablem but I can not ride one. And these were huge Chinese bikes. They all looked as if they were made for Yao Ming!
As an Emergency Room nurse, the TFC was sort of a not very exciting job. You feed the kids... they grow, it can be a bit more complicated, but in general thats it....
My bigger troubles were learning to do things like the work roster, discipline staff, figure out why we were always short of food stocks, and why certain kids never grew at all....why some staff couldn't measure milk, or chart growth correctly....
Even though I thought the job a little boring, there was a lot I didn't know. We get a handoff from the previous expat, but much of that then goes on what that ex-pat knew. There is also a manual, but as often is the case the manual was pretty general. It didn't deal with mothers who ate the theraputic milk themselves!!!!
Lucky for me, midway through my time, a real nutrition expert came on as Med-co...She came and made gads of suggestions. I felt about 2 inches high, but she gave me all the tools to really improve things. With her permission, I retrained the staff.
Some of these guys did not even know where their stomach was... They were very smart men, but all had had their education disrupted by the 21 year War... They could all read English and couldspeak Englishm the Dinka language, as well as other dialects. We had a lot of interesting discussions about life in general. I remember once trying to tell them about where I worked at home. I had to describe in detail the workings of an elevator.
We had a lot of good times there as well. I particularly began to enjoy the children...Here is my favorite boy from the outpatient feeding program... bol mau. He used to come as sit on my lap each visit, which is a big deal because most kids were terrified by me as I wasn't just a little white. I finally taught Bol how to graph his weight if I put the points in.
This is Bol
And Aneck was another of my favorites. She had both tuburculosis and malnutrition, which is actually pretty common. Since we don't have xray equipment there or the Mantoux Test we used the Crofton Score, which seems to have been fairly accurate, but then again TB is pretty widespread in that area. Aneck's Mom was amazing. She did it all right and both her children were cured in a relatively short time. I was sad to see her go:
So... there's a teeny slice of life for me in South Sudan. A peace treaty was signed in the middle of my time there, but it really didn't change too much...In general at the point in time when I was there it was pretty safe...occasional shooting of ducks in the night....but nothing overtly bad... In the past yes, but not for me...
Thanks to havybeaks I could now put a name to the vision of my trainer in tights...that I had in my sleep the other night.
So being brave, after the main part of my workout I went to talk to him. I thought he might have some calipers so my Body fat could be measured properly. He doesn't; Calipers apparently cost money. So I fessed up that I had a dream in which he appeared as slim goodbody. He didn't recall Slim, so he googled him on the internet. To my surprise, he got all excited. Apparently he has been trying to remember the name of this guy for a while. He then told me if he could find a "Slim suit" he'd actually wear it. So he went right to ebay. All he found were posters, and he may purchase those and put them up at the gym, so thanks Andrew, that was timely! All this time I was worried that he would take the "I had a dream and you were in it" the wrong way. But no, he loved it.
My day was alright, I did a little uphill time at the gym (5.1 miles of it). Swam, lifted weights, didn't feel super great. I tried Brown rice for breakfast, and this was not the right fuel.
DIscussed the gu with trainer. A lot of people I know are using it all the time in training, even when they are only runing 5K. I think GU for running a 5K only is a bit over the top. I mean folks, its 3.1 miles.
But for the Half marathon, I think I'll need it. He seemed unsure, and I have to remember he's not a runner. I wailed a little more about the lack of calipers and what were we going to do about my fat. I was amused when this other gentleman came up and joined our conversation, and said, "Oh stop eating" I looked at the trainer, and his eyes flew wide open, and we both started laughing. I was like, No no, I think thats out of the question, and trainer is shaking his head saying, she's gotta eat, she's not even fat, she has to eat.... It's wierd how people who don't know you make off hand comments that they think are cute and funny but that really sometimes touch deeply into someones psyche. I must be more careful when I make comments, especially if related to food and weight and people... It didn't bother me at all, except that I have this lingering doubt..."Did that man think I was soooo fat that I should stop eating?" or was he just trying to be funny....
Overall a nice gym day. Looking forward to a rest day on Saturday, and work....which will as always be interesting.
Oh Yes...Brown rice...not a great fuel for running on. Better than the Grapefruit, but....not as good as Eggs.
As I was running and swimming today, I became a little hungry. Nothing wrong with hungry, but in the middle of doing laps in the pool, its har to refuel, so I drafted a bit of a memo to myself in my head today.
It went a bit like this:
Attention: Self....
High Priority, immediate action requested
Self:
I'm well aware that you are hungry. You've made it apparent by causing me to experience enormous rumblings in the stomach, and also a wee bit of nausea.
Let me remind you self, that you have no need to be hungry. There is indeed a free, easily available supply of energy for you to use. It was stored by you on this body's hips and thighs and stomach. There's no chance of a bad reaction when using this source of energy, and it's waiting nicely for you. In fact, it is a better supply of energy that that Gatorade or candy you are craving.
I'll remind you that fats are for making adenosine triphosphate (the gas on which all cells run), not storage. A single triglyceride will eventually produce 441 ATP molecules. When compared to the 38 ATP that are produced by glucose. So fat is where it's at.
I implore you, dear body, to send those little lypolysis trucks to the fat farms of this body, pick up some triglycerides, or neutral fats even, bring them back, and dump them. The Kreb cycle will take over. No need to wait.
These fats have nothing better to do than provide energy. Otherwise they are just hanging about, getting in the way of a bikini, the little black dress, and some faster running times...
Take it under advisement self. Fat is where it's at. Remove it from the fat farm of the body and it will reward you well.
Sincerely,
Me (the brain)
Now....to see if the body listens to the brain...
So...I did something a little silly today. Last week, I was talking when I scheduled an appointment with trainer. I wrote in Weds slot, 11:00 thursday. So I wondered on Tuesday what the hell that meant. I called Trainer. He forgot to call me back. I thought, well, I'll just go in at 11:00 anyway...because I am going anyway and thats my normal time to arrive...
Well. I had a horrible horrible nightmare. I dreamed I was being shelled, and chased with flamethrowers, etc etc etc...It was extremely vivid and detailed. Then I woke up and felt bad because that is not just a bad dream for a lot of people not just in Iraq, but also Somalia, Ethiopia, and Eritrea, as well as in other places where it is not so obvious or full scale.... SO I stayed awake a while and finally went back to sleep. I woke up later than normal, still shaken from the dream...
SO I was late getting to the gym...
Trainer apologized for forgetting to call me. We rescheduled. I told him he was right...and of course he said "sit down and tell me more" He likes to be right! He was correct in that I have not lost my small base...and also that I do indeed need to eat breakfast. So, instead of working out, we chatted about stuff for a while. Food, running, underarmor, my upcoming MRI, my fattness...which he claims is not there. He told me I look like an athelete. Ha. That was business sense talking, but I did immediately feel all warm and fuzzy all over. Nice guy. He explained that If I didn't wear 2 shirts to the gym I would look a lot thinner to people... Would you believe he measures his food. I wanted to ask what his girlfriend thinks of that, but I like not knowing if he has one or not...Ha...I can be such a loser. I need to find a nice guy...but probably not him. I was so frazzled, I could not concentrate...So well, I am looking forward to pain tomorro. He said he'd help with my slipping running form (happens at the end of a long run) and that I have a very strong core and that I should stop saying I'm weak. People, I tell you, I am weak...he just likes to see me smile, or at least thats what he says...(the smile part, not the weak part...)
At any rate, buoyed by his confidence, I went and ran...
I ran sooo well today. I ran for about 40 min straight, no walking. A slow run to be sure, but it was good. SOmetimes I get out too fast and then struggle with breathing. 4.45 miles in 49 mins. At each mile, I sped up. I felt sooo good. I hope this continues, for the first time, I could see a half marathon by March...and haing fun with it too!
SInce I missed with trainer, I did the weights by myself...biceps, calf raises with extra weight on top, quads, triceps, shoulders, and such. A big moment of annoyance came when some random person at the gym decided to give me pointers on my lifting. January is a funny month at the gym, all the new years resolutioners arrive for about 3-6 weeks. They are usually uncomfortable, and sometimes odd. One of the January crowd decided she should give me pointers on my weight lifting. She explained she had just had a session with a trainer, and that she thought I might benefit from one too....(note trainer is in the background at his desk, just dying of laughter....) I explained that this was the way I was supposed to use the machine...and she luckily backed off. There's a fine line between friendly and annoying isn't there? A big achievement today was doing the Plank for a full minute. I enjoy doing static exersise, as well as running, but those weights, I really wish they didn't exist.
Then I swam for 35ish minutes. I could have swum longer, but that seemed to be bordering on excessive.
It was a good day at the gym, and oddly, I am not extremely hungry....
Hopefully tonight I will dream of rabbits and unicorns and rainbows.
